Merawat
Kebersamaan Lewat
Menyulam Kesalahan

by Meivy dan Nisa
translated by Fairuza Hanun






















read Meivy and Nisa’s reflection on re:wave’s peer review processpeer reviewed by zoe kashiko shelton


As a collective, Bakudapan produces knowledge collaboratively by conducting research, organising events, creating works, and many more. This work involves (and is interdependent with) many peers who possess praxis and knowledge to share resources, information, and networks. The collective work system continues to change shape amid increasingly dynamic conditions (both within and beyond our control). Therefore, care work is important and involves many people. However, we often forget how to care for ourselves collectively, even though we often do so for others. The question that remains in our minds is how to nurture relationships within the collective so that we can care for our friends outside the collective? 

This article is a correspondence between two members of the Bakudapan Food Study Group who are trying to revisit the care tools they have used within the group. Care of errors is a lens that can be used to see ways of thinking and feeling that may have been overlooked. It happens so quickly that it is forgotten and may even be considered "unnatural" to talk about. Nevertheless, we believe that all of this needs to be discussed and recorded so that it can become a lesson and a shared reflection in the future.




Dear Mba Nisa,

I hope that when you receive this email, you are in good health and have had a good rest (because I think I will be sending it in the middle of the night). I have been putting off writing this email all day, I don't know why... Maybe because I'm confused about what to write, or maybe I'm still in a bad mood because I was supposed to go to the dentist this morning, but it turns out that the hospital rescheduled my appointment. #ngl :( Maybe it's also because I'm hyperaware of what I'm writing, my brain immediately censors what is and isn't allowed to be included, because I want to make it an open submission. Hmmm... So I apologise if this email is a bit all over the place. Wkwk.

I want to share my latest reflections on the research in Bakudapan. You may have already read the emails from the Festival Lestari team in the Bakudapan inbox; they have received the project outputs (reports, reels, documentary films, and zines) and seem quite satisfied with the results. There was one thing that caught my attention in the email, here's an excerpt: 

  •         Several things that also make this programme quite rich, in my opinion, are the involvement of the communities in Sanggau, Sintang, Kapuas Hulu, and Pontianak. Not only as providers of local knowledge, but also in the writing and documentation process.

I'm not mentioning this to show off, mind you. Wkwk. It just made me think about the terms "community involvement" and "local knowledge providers". Yesterday's research felt quite self-aware in recognising the shortcomings and limitations of the research team, so we were also very careful in creating narratives for each output that would be seen by the public. How could we not be? The research process only took 2-3 days for each community and we only had about 10 days in each district. In the end, we used various tactics: using questions to gently criticise, inviting the people we met to contribute to the zine, and not writing the names of our sources to minimise any potential danger to them. It made me think about how in our work at Bakudapan, we need to balance between listening, responding, or even taking a step back. It may seem complicated, but I think it is necessary as a way to respect others and the knowledge they share with us. As Bakudapan turns 10, I find myself thinking about our relationship with our collaborators, how to maintain it, and what we need to improve... 

Speaking of research, a few days ago I attended a research exhibition collaboration between the Dala Institute and Auriga Nusantara at Taman Ismail Marzuki. The research was about the ecological crisis and environmental guardians in Wawonii, Central Sulawesi and Poco Leok, East Nusa Tenggara. They involved residents in these two locations to become researchers for this study, while Dala & Auriga acted as facilitators for methodological and ethical issues. When I went there, it turned out that several researchers from Wawonii and Poco Leok were also present, not only for the discussion and screening, but also to share their experiences and situations. Interestingly, as a prelude to this research, the Dala & Auriga team developed a zine series to present their perspective on the ecological crisis. I think their research process was fascinating! You can see more on Instagram.

Anyway... These two things made me a little emotional... Because I (am? was?) actually afraid/anxious/skceptical about doing research. On one hand, I think I worry about the harm I could (re)produce (especially given its dark history of being a colonizing tool) and I worry if it could do good at all (at what cost?). On the other hand, field work is stressful and a bit difficult for introverts and shy people like me. I suppose my fear of being “wrong” and doing bad makes me grapple with unending questions about positionality, how to relate with others, and responsibility. 

I'm still confused about it and often think about it, but I think I'm slowly finding some hope and guidance through the process with Bakudapan. Huhu. I'm getting emotional. That's all for now, thank you for reading this email. I'll wait for your reply (but no need to rush)!

Warm regards,  
Mepi.


                                                                           
 

Dear Mepi,

I want to thank you for contacting me about this writing project. Lately, I've been feeling quite tired and lost because of several events that have happened in my life. These events have forced me to rearrange some of my internal systems in order to navigate the path I want to take. So, I was very happy when you suggested that we write together.

Speaking of writing together, I think it's true that it's been a bit difficult to achieve this sense of "togetherness" in our collective work at Bakudapan lately. When we're not working on the same project, it feels a bit difficult to communicate with each other, which I find a bit unfortunate. However, I also understand how the busyness of moving from one project to another can be an obstacle to communicating in a "casual" manner. Even sharing updates about work progress at Bakudapan feels difficult, let alone just making small talk? This is also a question I had when Bakudapan turned 10. 

When I reread your email, I felt that this could be a method or way that we could use to share about the work done in Bakudapan. It feels like if we only use WhatsApp, it's too fast, the story evaporates and is covered by other incoming messages. So, I was very happy when I read your email, it felt like I was taking part in this work process. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! You have worked so hard to write and summarise all the data into such a great output. Especially when you also mentioned "community involvement". I think that is an important point that I can take away from your story about working for this project for Festival Lestari. We both graduated from anthropology and I think there are many questions related to community involvement in research work, right? 

You also mentioned "balancing between listening, responding, or even stepping back", which immediately made me think of the topic of care work that we studied together at Sejawat Merawat. What immediately came to my mind was how exhausting this process is, but it must and has to be done. I also thought about what needs to be improved in Bakudapan's work, right? I think you've already mentioned one of the points, Mep, about how to work together with collaborators. There was a conversation (I forget with whom and when) about this, and the point I still remember is about being a friend. However, we also need to know how to navigate this friendship, and perhaps it is not something that is "fixed" but continues to evolve and adapt.

Perhaps, Mep, being a friend is a way that we awkward and introverted people can use when doing research. Because there is a process to becoming a friend, right? A process that I feel is more "genuine" than us positioning ourselves directly as "the researcher". Although of course distance is also necessary, being a friend also involves distance. But I keep thinking about making mistakes. It feels like in this work process, mistakes often become a "bogeyman" or something to be hidden because it's not something important to show. Even after ten years with Bakudapan, I'm still learning how to navigate mistakes. Which often makes me feel like you, Mep, scared and anxious. Have you ever thought about that too?

It’s okay to be emotional, Mep, as long as it helps you feel more confident in the process (fun). I’ll wait for your reply!  

Best regards,  
Nisa


                                                                           


Dear Mba Nisa,

So sorry to hear about the difficult situation you have been going through lately. I always like the analogies you use in your stories, so I hope the rearrangement goes smoothly and you can update other things at the same time... 

Your email made me realise that yes, maybe we also need to think about how we can maintain our relationship with each other. Before thinking about collaborators, maybe we need to reflect collectively first. But when and how? I remember we tried several methods to divide the work at Bakudapan:
  • Person-in-Charge: One or two people who take on an invitation, event, or output. This was also used to host regular meetings (humans plan, God determines the outcome) some time ago. So far, it seems to be the most effective and relevant method for us, right? 
  • DARCI: Borrowing a method used by Arts Collaboratory, there are five types of roles: Decision-Maker, Accountable, Responsible, Consulted, and Informed. It's actually interesting, but the learning curve is quite steep...
  • Divisions and Council: Similar to PIC but for divisions within Bakudapan with a special Daily Council feature that gets updates from each division (again, all humans can do is plan…)

Your offer to be friends is also interesting. Maybe that could be a way to let go of some of the burdens of being "a researcher" and help us position ourselves. Sometimes friendships can be lasting, lasting for years; sometimes only for a short time, but a short duration does not negate its meaning, right? So I'm thinking again about how we live through this "togetherness".

I remember when we gathered in February, there was an idea to create a publication titled "10 Years of Failure" wkwkwk. It's a bit scary to think about, isn't it? I'm also afraid and anxious when I think about the mistakes or shortcomings I've made. Sometimes I also wonder, how can we be accountable and hold each other accountable? This is one of the insights I gained when we met friends from SimpaSio in 2023 and in Naarm/Melbourne in early 2025. I think this is also important for us to consider, because there are eight of us and mistakes are bound to happen. How can we recover after a conflict, for example? Hmmm... 

Anyway, I agree with you about trying the email method for Bakudapan. Especially considering that we like to reflect (to quote Silva, "at Bakudapan we reflect constantly"), maybe this could be a way to accommodate that need + update Bakudapan's work + share personal updates without having to wait for a group meeting, which can be quite difficult. Sounds exciting, worth a try! Even so, I'm still happy to see updated photos from friends on our WhatsApp group, like you and Gatari in Tokyo yesterday, and most recently Gatari and Elia in Kathmandu.

That's all for now. It's almost 1 a.m. and my stomach is growling, so I'm going to rush off to bed, hehehe. Thanks again for replying to my email amidst all the chaos of the world. I'll be waiting for your reply!

Salamualaikum,  
Mepi.


                                                                                     
 

Dear Mepi,

After receiving your email, I started thinking about a few things related to our work. I remembered Monika saying that she felt we didn't have enough time for ourselves, that we did too many things externally but rarely internally. This connects with the point you mentioned about muhasabah (self-introspection). Although, maybe it doesn't need to be that extreme, haha. But I like the idea. It's just that care work is very tiring, even when it comes to taking care of ourselves, which in this case is taking care of our own collective internally. When and how to start will always be a challenge for us. Especially with everyone's busy schedules, we often feel bad about disturbing them. Huhu

Thank you for reminding me about some of the methods! I had forgotten that we had learned several methods for facilitating this collaborative work. I agree with you, we can only make plans, but in the end, the busyness of making money decides everything. Again, each person's economic situation greatly affects our work, especially in Bakudapan, where we fully realise that Bakudapan is not our source of income but our shared knowledge. 

This includes knowledge about mistakes. I also often feel anxious when thinking about mistakes that have been made or unconsciously made. Collective work is often done in a relaxed and familial or "organic" manner. However, I believe that even if it is organic, there must still be a system and framework in place. It may seem formal at first because there is a "system in place", but if this is a mutual agreement, it can serve as a guideline for everyone to start being accountable. That's how I see it. One of my experiences in Japan recently involved a mistake that caused the work process to be slightly delayed because it had to be resolved. The lesson I learned was to be humble enough to admit mistakes and listen. Also, to turn this guilt into a lesson rather than something that stops us. And I think this comes back to how we take care of this together, including taking care of mistakes not to repeat them but to learn from them. I remember very well that during interviews Bakudapan was often asked about how we resolve conflicts, and maybe this is one way we can do it, to open up our "kitchen". The domestic area that is often closed off from the outside but actually holds many stories and valuable lessons, even though it is often considered "dirty" and "inappropriate" to show.

Wow, I've been rambling a lot. Sorry, Mep, your prompt got me thinking about so many things. Hopefully, we can keep updating each other in the group, as you said, it's important for our dynamics. Thank you, Mep!

Warm regards,
Nisa
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